i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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