I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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