My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
