If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Randomize
