Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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