look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
