Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
