dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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