I CAN MOONWALK!
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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