Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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