it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize