You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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