Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
