I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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