Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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