I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
