I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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