why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
