I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
