I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
