why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
