i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I need a burrito and a hug.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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