Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
