Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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