phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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