i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
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