Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
