All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
