it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
