your parents love me but you hate me
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I miss vodka workout Fridays
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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