I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
