FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
