The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I have so many feelings about this burrito
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
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