DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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