i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
