I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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