Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
not ubering you a puppy
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
