shes about as inviting as chlamydia
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
