M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
