he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
