I CAN MOONWALK!
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
