it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
