did you get engaged???
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
