he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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