I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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