I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
