I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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