My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
