I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
