don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
