It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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