Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
