Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
