I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
