Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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