if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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