Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Terrible idea I love it
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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