guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
